Picking up on cues
Have you ever covered up feelings of discomfort with a nervous laugh? Think about the social norms in your workplace culture…
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In many cultures, we are conditioned to meet many situations with both conscious and unconscious avoidance. We often choose this over diplomatic and productive confrontation.
“Discomfort is a wise teacher.”
— Caroline Myss
Such behaviours are often rooted in the events of our past. Events that lead to subconscious beliefs and repressed and suppressed feelings.
However, when we are tuned in to these stress responses, we begin to notice how we feel when hear inappropriate remarks.
We may also recognise the comments used to justify this behaviour.
“Have a sense of humour, would you.”
“I’m just kidding”
In many workplace cultures, the lines of consent and decorum are blurred. Because of this, there’s often little consequence.
Environments like this systemically allow contempt to pass for humour. They put smugness down to holding one’s own, encouraging sarcastic quips as cultural or social norms.
Holding up the mirror
Australia is often renowned for its unique strain of humour, a blend of sarcasm and self-deprecation.
This humour might seem harmless, but many don’t stop to consider if they’re rubbing salt into someone’s wound. And this humour is often the projection of one’s own emotional wounds that are still present.
Here are 4 reasons we use sarcasm (or masked contempt) to project hidden and suppressed anger, trauma, overwhelm, or resentment:
01 To avoid confrontation
We feel insecure and lack the confidence to be clear in asking for what we want. We operate from self doubt.
02 To fit in
In social circles, we use playful banter to build and maintain a surface-level common ground. We hide behind this to mask insecurities.
03 To assert dominance
Sarcasm is also used as a way to assert dominance using a passive aggressive tone. Someone who feels wounded but afraid to bring it up will often use sarcasm to disguise an insult.
04 To control
Attempts to control others often stems from anxiety and fear. These attempts are made to control uncertainty, projecting repressed anger and rage.
From contempt to courage
Did you know that the eye roll is arguably the number 1 predictor of relationship breakdowns?
This sign of contempt is closely related to sarcasm.
In work terms, this is a tell tale sign that trust has been replaced with contempt, and leads to defensiveness and stonewalling.
Within relationships, Dr John Gottman identifies key predictors and displays of negativity that determine their success or failure. Cue the eye roll.
Beneath the surface of this negativity is an unidentified cause that creates the effect. Repressed or suppressed events where we’ve experienced humiliation, trauma, bullying, and intimidation.
We can take self-reflection a step further by introducing a healthy dose of reflexivity. In reflexivity, we question our own attitudes, thought processes, values, assumptions, and bias. By observing our resulting actions, we can better understand the complexity of our roles in relationships.
By addressing the underlying sources of our discomfort, we can turn off the tap to our problems. This replaces the need to mop up the results of our reactivity.
Recap: Picking up on the cues
- We are often conditioned to meet situations with conscious and unconscious avoidance
- Sarcasm is often used to project hidden and suppressed anger, trauma, overwhelm or resentment, including to:
- Avoid confrontation
- Fit in
- Assert dominance
- Control
- By addressing the underlying sources of our discomfort, we can understand our roles in relationships and help solve problems.
Resources
To continue your exploration, check out this blog: Flight, fight or freeze; decision-making, elephants and changing conflict narratives
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